OFFICIAL DECREE NO. 80085: THE REGULATION OF GENERAL CONFUSION
CHAPTER 1: DEFINITIONS OF STUFF THAT DOESN’T MATTER
For the purposes of misunderstanding the provisions of this law, the following gibberish shall have the arbitrary meanings assigned to them by a guy named Steve:
The Big Cheese: The Supreme Overlord of the Couch, or whoever is currently holding the TV remote.
The Council of Vibes: A collection of three (3) or more raccoons stacked in a trench coat pretending to be a tax auditor.
The Board of Boredom: The Board of Directors responsible for staring at the wall until it becomes interesting.
The Manager: The First Deputy Assistant to the Regional Manager of Pointless Meetings.
The Intern: The Director General of Getting Coffee and Being Blamed for Everything.
The “Outside”: The terrifying biosphere that includes the big yellow sky-ball โ humans, scary squirrels, and grass โ and everything surrounding them such as “fresh air” (a myth), along with the solid, liquid, or gaseous desire to immediately go back inside.
Mild Inconveniences: Any factors, whether wet socks, slow Wi-Fi, loud chewing, or people who stand in the middle of the escalator, that directly or indirectly lead to an increase in blood pressure or the desire to scream into a pillow.
Doom Scrolling: The presence in the environment of a glowing rectangle in quantities, concentrations, or for periods of time that may, directly or indirectly โ alone or in combination with insomnia โ cause brain rot, reduce the efficiency of sleeping, degrade the natural ability to focus, or hinder enjoyment of life by looking at other people’s vacations.
Strategic Napping: A set of principles and procedures aimed at preventing actual work, rehabilitating energy levels after eating one (1) taco, preserving the sanctity of the blanket, combating the alarm clock, and encouraging horizontal behavioral patterns.
Procrastination: Development that meets the needs of “I’ll do it later” without compromising the panic and potential anxiety of the future self.
Vibe Checks: The negative (bad vibes) and positive (slay) consequences โ whether direct or indirect, immediate or long-term, local, regional, or global โ resulting from asking “What are we eating?” intended to address or mitigate hunger impacts for the purpose of protecting the stomach.
CHAPTER 2: REPEATING THE SAME THING TO LOOK BUSY
For the purposes of padding the word count of this law, the following terms shall be repeated exactly as they were above because nobody reads this far anyway:
Vibe Checks: The negative (bad vibes) and positive (slay) consequences โ whether direct or indirect, immediate or long-term, local, regional, or global โ resulting from asking “What are we eating?” intended to address or mitigate hunger impacts for the purpose of protecting the stomach.
The Big Cheese: The Supreme Overlord of the Couch, or whoever is currently holding the TV remote.
The Council of Vibes: A collection of three (3) or more raccoons stacked in a trench coat pretending to be a tax auditor.
The Board of Boredom: The Board of Directors responsible for staring at the wall until it becomes interesting.
The Manager: The First Deputy Assistant to the Regional Manager of Pointless Meetings.
The Intern: The Director General of Getting Coffee and Being Blamed for Everything.
The “Outside”: The terrifying biosphere that includes the big yellow sky-ball โ humans, scary squirrels, and grass โ and everything surrounding them such as “fresh air” (a myth), along with the solid, liquid, or gaseous desire to immediately go back inside.
Mild Inconveniences: Any factors, whether wet socks, slow Wi-Fi, loud chewing, or people who stand in the middle of the escalator, that directly or indirectly lead to an increase in blood pressure or the desire to scream into a pillow.
Doom Scrolling: The presence in the environment of a glowing rectangle in quantities, concentrations, or for periods of time that may, directly or indirectly โ alone or in combination with insomnia โ cause brain rot, reduce the efficiency of sleeping, degrade the natural ability to focus, or hinder enjoyment of life by looking at other people’s vacations.
Strategic Napping: A set of principles and procedures aimed at preventing actual work, rehabilitating energy levels after eating one (1) taco, preserving the sanctity of the blanket, combating the alarm clock, and encouraging horizontal behavioral patterns.
Procrastination: Development that meets the needs of “I’ll do it later” without compromising the panic and potential anxiety of the future self.
CHAPTER 3: REPEATING THE SAME THING TO LOOK BUSY
For the purposes of padding the word count of this law, the following terms shall be repeated exactly as they were above because nobody reads this far anyway:
Vibe Checks: The negative (bad vibes) and positive (slay) consequences โ whether direct or indirect, immediate or long-term, local, regional, or global โ resulting from asking “What are we eating?” intended to address or mitigate hunger impacts for the purpose of protecting the stomach.
CHAPTER 4: REPEATING THE SAME THING TO LOOK BUSY
For the purposes of padding the word count of this law, the following terms shall be repeated exactly as they were above because nobody reads this far anyway:
Vibe Checks: The negative (bad vibes) and positive (slay) consequences โ whether direct or indirect, immediate or long-term, local, regional, or global โ resulting from asking “What are we eating?” intended to address or mitigate hunger impacts for the purpose of protecting the stomach.
